SURPRISED BY GRIEF

A couple of weeks ago, I happened across a picture of a pastor preaching at his church on a website.  I suddenly felt deflated.  The raw emotions that accompany depression swept over me.  I didn’t know what was going on.  All I could think was, “I used to do that…”

So what was going on?  I couldn’t figure it out.  I spent the afternoon on the edge of tears.  It took me until the next morning to figure it out.  I was grieving.  That picture reminded me of what I used to do on a regular basis, something I truly enjoyed doing as a pastor.  While I miss the pastoral role as a whole, I particularly miss that piece. 

So why did it spring out right then?  Probably because this is one of the first moments where I was not preoccupied with something else.  When I resigned a year ago, I concentrated on the move that we planned.  When we got to Fresno, I had to find a job, then look at our living situation.  With many of the major things settled for now, I turned my gaze to what was next.

My soul needed a moment to grieve what was behind me. 

So I have been grieving this loss the way I might grieve losing a member of my family.  I have been doing better, but a saddness remains for the time being.  As I have learned from some of my grieving friends (who have lost actual people in their lives), it is not something I can go around.  It is something I have to go through.  So onward I go, thankful that my heart and soul knew enough to stop me from looking forward until I took care of some unfinished business behind me.

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   DaveDiPalma says:

   August 12, 2011 at 9:57 pm

   Wow- I just read somewhere that one of the tasks of mid-life is to constantly grieve our various losses. Losses such as loss of job, loss of innocence, loss of our kids as they grow up and leave, loss of phyisical abilities, loss of hair, loss of hope.

   I can see where loosing your platform to preach would be very hard.It’s really easy to question “who we are” when the things that bring us meaning are ‘taken away’, even if for a season.
   I dont have any magic answers, but I appreciate you sharing this part of your life. It makes me feel less alone as I grieve various losses.

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     pastaspin says:

     August 15, 2011 at 8:42 pm

     Dave, thanks for your feedback. It does not necessarily get any easier at this point. I find it helpful to know I am not alone in the grieving process. I trust I am not alone also in sharing a blessed hope that some day grief will be obsolete.

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